Toxic Positivity, Finding the Balance with Your Emotions

By: Cheyenne Taylor

Toxic positivity is often portrayed as positive thinking, but it is often dismissive of negative emotions. All emotions are natural and should be felt. If you spend all your time denying your negative emotions, you never give yourself time to work through issues. Below are some examples of toxic positivity to help you identify some unhealthy phrases you may have heard or used:
 
“Don’t focus on the bad; just focus on the good!”  The issue with just focusing on the good and ignoring the bad in any instance is that you do not learn or grow by focusing on your accomplishments. Concentrating on and appreciating your successes is excellent for building your confidence. Still, you grow as a person when you address your failures and figure out what went wrong and what to do in the future. Also, keep in mind that disappointment is something we all feel; it is okay to focus on the bad and allow yourself to process those feelings.
 
“It could be worse,” or “Look on the bright side.” Often, people use this to make others feel better, but it can invalidate a person’s emotions and make them feel like they do not have the right to be upset about their experiences. While you could argue most situations could be made worse, it does not change the fact that a situation is terrible. Also, while looking at the silver lining might be okay in some cases, it is not always possible. In terms of sexual assault, many victims have been told well they’re lucky because they survived; however, they still experienced sexual assault, which is horrible, and stating that they are fortunate undermines the pain they’ve experienced. Overall, if someone is telling you about a bad experience they had, it is so much better to acknowledge the difficulty they’ve faced than to tell them it could have been worse.
 
Lastly, “Don’t give up,” or “Failure is not an option.” These both preserve the idea that failure is bad and giving up is wrong, when the truth is both are just options that have a bad rep. Giving up is not a bad thing, and there are times where you need to. One, failure is just a part of life; there’s no point in making people feel bad about something we have all experienced and will probably experience again. Second, pushing yourself to succeed and ignoring signs of a situation or opportunity not being a good fit for you is not helpful. In a lot of cases, people have revealed they felt a weight off their shoulders when they left a stressful situation/relationship/opportunity. This is not to encourage you to give up when you have a stressful day at a job or in a healthy relationship, but rather to denote the idea that by giving up, you have failed, when sometimes by toughing out a situation you have failed to acknowledge your unhappiness.
 
There are many more examples of toxic positivity to look out for, but it is most important to make sure you are allowing yourself the time to process and feel your emotions. You cannot heal and move on if you ignore the darker parts of life. Learning from these experiences and growing is a process, but the process doesn’t start until you accept your feelings.
 
If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault or domestic violence, please call our confidential crisis line at 317-731-6140 to speak with a victim advocate. If you are in immediate danger please call 9-1-1.