Take a Pause

By: Savannah Tipton

We all know someone who has experienced domestic violence, but we may not know who that is in our lives. Survivors walk among us and are often people we are close with including friends, family, and coworkers. It’s difficult to accept this reality but essential to raise awareness that anyone can be impacted by domestic violence. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, “1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner.” However, domestic violence is not limited to physical abuse. Other types of abuse include emotional, psychological, spiritual, financial, sexual, and digital. Domestic violence happens daily, and survivors often feel silenced and alone. We want all survivors to know that free and confidential resources are available.

We can all act as an ally to survivors by educating ourselves about domestic violence warning signs and red flags. If you identify warning signs or red flags of domestic violence in your network or your own life, reach out to a local domestic violence agency to discuss next steps and the resources available to you. Talking about domestic violence saves lives. It’s important that we speak up when something does not feel right.

Warning Signs of Domestic Violence

• Lack of privacy – When someone does not have freedom to communicate without their partner being made aware of every phone call, message, search history, etc. that should raise alarm. Personal privacy is normal. Sharing passwords and account information can make victims vulnerable.
• Excessive contact with a significant other - When someone becomes obsessive about updating their partner on their location or daily activities this may be a sign that something is wrong.
• Change in habits - Changes in a daily routine may bring light to something more going on behind closed doors. For example, you used to get together with your friend regularly to get lunch and workout. Now, she is less responsive and not showing up when you make plans. It is possible those changes are the result of domestic violence.
• Constantly on edge - Do they fear their partner? Do they try everything in their power to never make their partner angry? Are they always complaining of never doing anything right? If answering “yes,” then it is time to step in and help them realize that they aren’t helpless, but that they are worthy of help.
• Physical wounds - Bruises. Scratches. Black Eyes. Jammed Fingers. Lacerations. Above are “obvious” giveaways of physical abuse. Realize that abusers are smart, so these wounds could possibly be in hidden places. Take notice and start asking questions.
• They’re not communicating - While this may seem superficial, it’s important to start noticing changes in their behavior via text, phone calls, and social media. If they no longer are on social media or even less active – you may have your first sign. If you also notice that your loved one has a “phone manager” and isn’t texting you as often or maybe isn’t even allowed to talk to certain people, then it might be time to talk.
• Faking emotions - “You’ll never find someone else that will love you.” The lie above is a sign that your loved one is being manipulated to stay in a bad situation. If you are noticing that they are forcing smiles and laughs – then it could be time to act. The more they are faking and lying, the more they will be manipulated to a point of serious abuse.

Perpetrators of domestic violence are often likable and charismatic. There is no single description for all abusers. They are not always lurking in the shadows or threatening to the outside world as movies might portray. Many abusers get along well socially at work and in their personal lives. Their behavior typically shifts behind closed doors when they are alone with the victim. Most abusers are only violent with their current or past intimate partners (1). They are also extremely manipulative. This includes minimizing the seriousness of the violence, blaming others for their abusive behavior, and breaking down the victim’s self-confidence. Abusers can threaten a victim directly and indirectly including threats of homicide and suicide. Threats and acts of violence are used to take control over the victim. Threats are often made towards friends, family members, children, and pets. A victim might stay in a dangerous situation out of fear for themselves or those they love. “Abusers repeatedly go to extremes to prevent the victim from leaving. In fact, leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence (2).”

Red flags of an Abuser (1)

• Extreme jealousy

• Possessiveness
• Unpredictability
• A bad temper
• Cruelty to animals
• Verbal abuse (name calling, blaming, gaslighting, threats, etc.)
• Extremely controlling behavior
• Antiquated beliefs about roles of women and men in relationships
• Forced sex or disregard of their partner's unwillingness to have sex
• Sabotage of birth control methods or refusal to honor agreed upon methods
• Blaming the victim for anything bad that happens
• Sabotage or obstruction of the victim's ability to work or attend school
• Controls all the finances
• Abuse of other family members, children, or pets
• Accusations of the victim flirting with others or having an affair
• Control of what the victim wears and how they act
• Demeaning the victim either privately or publicly
• Embarrassment or humiliation of the victim in front of others
• Harassment of the victim at work

At Beacon of Hope Crisis Center, we are committed to breaking the cycle while empowering victims and survivors to take back their life. From providing emotional support to safety planning, let us be your advocate. For more information, contact our Confidential Crisis Line: (317) 731-6140. If you are in a life-threatening situation, call 9-1-1 immediately.

SOURCE:

1. https://ncadv.org/signs-of-abuse
2. https://ncadv.org/why-do-victims-stay